Laura Porterhouse

Towards the end of 2014 I hit rock bottom. I had just had my 5th or 6th miscarriage in 4 years of trying to conceive. The grief is hard to explain, but it is so much a loss – a loss of a little life, a loss of being a mother, a loss of carrying and birthing that child, a loss of your family, a loss of your future. All things that can’t be seen and can’t be buried and are very difficult to honour. I was finding it hard to cope. All of my friends had had children, and I was lost. I didn’t know who I was, what I was meant to do, or what my place in the world was. When I tried to look into the future, I felt like I was staring into an abyss. I had also developed an unhealthy hatred of my body and I could hardly stand looking in the mirror. Nothing worked like it should – and the one thing I was meant to be able to do, I couldn’t. I felt useless and hopeless.I stumbled across your blog on Facebook one day and started reading your posts. I wanted to feel better, but I didn’t know what to do. You talked about good nutrition and exercise: two basic concepts that my muddled and drained mind could grasp. You talked about baby steps and doing one thing at a time, and going slowly. It was a bit like a door had opened. I realised I had to start with my body. At a really practical, base level, nourish it and look after it, and that everything else would come from there. Planning meals and doing small amounts of exercise gave me something to think about and do which weren’t about babies, or getting pregnant, or any of that. It was just something to do. Learning to take baby steps was such a huge lesson for me. I have always been a planner, and I get easily overwhelmed when my mind skips ahead to ‘all the things’. I took one meal at a time. I took one day at a time. Some days, I took one minute at a time (I realised that if I could get through one minute, then I could get through another). I started a Barre class – an hour of bliss when everything left my mind. All I could think about was how much I was sweating and how hard it was and how my legs and my abs hurt but when it was over I felt incredible. I felt strong and I felt like I loved myself (it’s amazing how quickly your brain starts believing it, too!). I started craving healthy food, and I started craving movement. It was like a cumulative build up – every good meal and every class made me feel exponentially better. Above all, exercising gave me a safe space to just be – it didn’t matter who I was, or what I had done or not done – I could just be me with no agenda, no thoughts, no worries, no past to mull over and no future to feel anxious about. I have no doubt that going to that class 5 times a week absolutely saved my self esteem, my marriage and my health.